Perky ponytails prompt another letter

Perky ponytails. They're one of my pet hates. You know the kind? The ones that are combed back, every hair in place, tied in a neat elastic, and stick out the back of women's heads at a perfect angle. Then they bounce jauntily as Ponytail Girl walks.

This may be due to the fact that, in my childhood days, when I had long hair, my ponytail was never, ever, neat. In fact, I was never neat, generally. Okay, truth is, I'm still not. I don't have a ponytail because:

1. I hate perky ponytails
2. I cut my hair off to prevent any chance of a perky ponytail
3. I would never manage a perky ponytail, even if I had long hair
4. I don't want a perky ponytail
5. I hate perky ponytails

This prompted another letter:

Dear Perky Ponytail Girl,

While I'm sure you are a very nice girl, your ponytail is not. I'm terribly sorry to be so blunt, but it's in my nature, and no amount of trying can ever change one's nature, or so I understand. I guess this is open to debate, but not now. We have a more pressing issue: your perky ponytail.

I'm afraid it just makes me want to do one of two things - sneak up behind you with a large pair of scissors and cut it off, or muss it all up wildly. To be honest, it also brings up visions of bubblegum and such, but I realise that would be unnecessarily cruel, so I'll stick to the mussing/cutting options.

I'd just like to ask you, very graciously, to stop doing it. Just simply putting it at slightly the wrong angle, or using a hairband which is unravelling (I have many, if you don't) or not walking so jauntily, thus preventing the annoying bouncing, would make me feel so much better. I realise this is probably my long-standing feelings of inadequacy left over from primary school teasings regarding my less-than-perky ponytails, but still, I'd be most grateful if you'd help me to leave those memories buried, where they belong, in the recesses of my mind.

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like one of my unravelling hairbands, or my help with a pair of scissors (or bubblegum, if you're up for some drama). All you need to do is call me, or e-mail me, or even just shout for me, I'll come right over.

Love, Shiny x

Could I say perky ponytails any more in one, short post?