Just a few calls, and another letter

It happened again! I got an e-mail offering me something I really (really!) don't need. For a mere R600, I can attend a morning seminar presented by Dr Blude (a doctor? of?) on how to use a telephone effectively. Wrong target audience my friend, if there's one thing I'm an expert in, it's how to use a telephone. Not only is it a big part of my Real Job, but on a personal level, let's just say I pass Cum Laude. Maybe I could become Dr Shiny, telephonist extraordinaire and be Dr Jude's sidekick, for a small fee.

It warranted, of course, a letter:

My Dear Dr Blude,

Thank you so much for your kind offer to teach me how to use my telephone effectively for such a small amount of money. You must struggle to make ends meet charging R600 to, what... fifty people at a time for a three-and-a-half hour session. It seems very charitable of you. However, I think somebody gave you my e-mail address in error as I am, completely and utterly, NOT your target group.

My relationship with my telephone is highly effective, and efficient too (I know you business types and your 'efficiency this, efficacy that'). I shall try to explain to you why this is so, as I would hate to hurt your feelings unnecessesarily. Let me use yesterday as an example.

During the day, at Real Work, I spoke to twenty seven (give or take one or two) health professionals regarding (give or take) thirty different questions. Some I spoke to and gave information immediately, others I called back. At no stage during any of these interactions did I struggle to answer, speak or dial, luckily as it would have been most unprofessional. Between these calls, I also spoke to my sister (She's having twins you know, it's terribly exciting) and my mother. I had no trouble with those either, except a small disagreement with my mother about a lasagne recipe, but I think I can put that down to mother-daughter dynamics, rather than a lack of telephone skills.

After Real Work and doing a couple of things, I received a call from H in London who regaled some fabulous stories involving the couple of boys who are admiring her presently and a heavy-breathing phone call she'd received (perhaps I should forward on your e-mail to him). We laughed a lot, but again I didn't struggle. Then I got a call from L in Worcester who has just returned from Australia and is agonising over a big decision she needs to make. No problems with my phone skills there, just a problem with a certain someone which, really has nothing to do with telephones at all.

Then I got a call from M, regarding drinks after work tomorrow. Again, just a venue issue, no telephone skill problems. And I realise, at this point, you may be saying: "Well, yes, we can see you can effectively receive calls, but can you make them?" Luckily, I did, at that point call I, in The Big Smoke, and had a lovely, long chat with him, no problems. While it took me two times to get through - my phone dialled and then went quiet the first two times - I have a feeling this was a network problem, and nothing to do with my phone skills.

So, yes, I think I've probably got my point across that, while I'm grateful for your kind offer, I have to decline. Should you need some expert input, though, I could probably make myself available (at a fee, I guess, you being a business-type and all. I hear offering help in the business world for free diminishes your value - WTF? - but I shan't bore you with my views on that as I'm sure you're a terribly busy man and I seem to have written a very long letter already).

Oh, but before I go, just a small suggestion - the design of your e-mail is not terribly exciting. I know a great designer who could help you out with that - it may increase your readership - just a thought. If you'd like his details, let me know.

With love,
Shiny x

I may even have left out a couple of other calls I made during the day. Good grief, perhaps I need a course on using my phone less effectively?