Saturday, June 5, 2010

No, don't

It turns out I was being premonitionary premonitional with my post of yesterday. My post yesterday was not without founding, it turns out. I could feel there was something up, the air was uneven.

My fingers slipped, I banged my knees on the cliff edge, my heart tattered and my lungs contracted, leaving me breathless and falling. And down there, on that plain? No, it doesn't look so beautiful. Not at all. I am falling.

I am angry, but my anger is swallowed by sadness.

I cannot write of this now. I just can't. So, instead, please allow me a bit of self-flagellation and I am going to write of old things, my childhood, just for a while, those safe, happy memories where everything seemed simple. I know they weren't, really, but the difficulties get lost with time. Like a pencil drawing that has lines filled in with koki-pens. You rub out the miserable grey lines with an eraser, leaving only the bright, beautiful ones, and soon the pencil lines disappear in the mists of time.

Where are my koki-pens now?


Angela said...

Do whatever helps you get your balance again, dear Shiny. There is a song on the radio here which says, God has a tough left hook! And doesn`t he, sometimes? Why? What is there to life, that it becomes so difficult at times that we feel we are sliding and no one can catch us? Have you read Miranda`s post? It is not only you who experiences tough hooks, we all sometimes do (some harder, though). Is it to learn compassion, to understand sadness? I have no answer. My only answer is let us share good times and bad, let us comfort each other and laugh in tears. We, your friends, Shiny, are here.
And yes, we like to listen to you tell us of your childhood and happy memories.

Livvy U. said...

There is one certainty, and it is that without question, nothing stays the same... so this too shall pass.

I hope you feel better soon.


Shiny said...

Angela - reading Miranda's post certainly does put things in perspective!

Livvy - thank you


Spiny Marshmallow said...

I love reading your posts and I am sorry for your pain that you are overlaying with panels of beautiful writing. I do love to read them and its brave to write them - they are lovely writing. Hope you feel better

Shiny said...

Spiny -thank you. Honestly, I don't feel very brave, but I'm going to keep trying to be! x