Tuesday, April 6, 2010

An unexpected realisation

It was a strange Easter weekend. I did lots and, at the same time, did little. Had a couple of dinner and lunch dates, which were lovely, and then spent some me time, alone, at home, doing, well, um, nothing (except watching Season 1 and 2 of Green Wing. In their entirety).

I was feeling a little out-of-sorts you see, and anti-social, and wasn't sure why. Sunday night I got very little sleep, due to a combination of things, and my inherent worriededness. I realised, on reflection, that, while I generally count myself as happy-go-lucky, I am forever thinking I don't deserve the happiness I get. And then, as a result, I seem to think it's going to be taken away from me. It's terrifying.

Good grief, I had NO idea what I was going to write about today, and have never admitted to anybody that I have this crippling terror. Just goes to show what comes from just blurting out 'stuff' as opposed to thinking before writing.

Is this a result of my own personal tragedy, or was this there before? I honestly can't tell. But I can tell you that it’s very definitely there now. And I’m not entirely sure how to make it go away, now that I’ve acknowledged it’s presence. It’s sitting there in one of the (many) back corridors of my mind. It’s a dark, gloopy place, filled with fear and tears.

I wonder if there’s some kind of vacuum cleaner for such places?

4 comments:

Mud in the City said...

I think it is always there for all of us. But sometimes more then others its leathery face makes an appearance. Sometimes this has to be borne with good humour knowing it is a passing visit. Sometimes it can be banished with booze (although not always). And sometimes it needs the combined efforts of the sun, the wind, the salt dusted air and a couple of good friends to put right.

Hopeing you're OK.
x

tam said...

Acknowledging it the best (only?) way to get rid of it. Those mischievous beliefs, we all have them, and they're happiest when they're in the back of the closet where you can't really see them. Take them out into the sunlight and then you see that they're not quite as logical and concrete as they were pretending to be. That's why they like to hide, see, so they can go on existing. We all have em, honest.
When did you first feel that way? my personal experience is that it starts with a small smudge of a belief from when you were little and then every little or big trauma or tragedy is energy that you can add to it to reconfirm("See? Its true, I'm not worthy of love," or whatever its particular flavour.) Out of the shadows and into blogger where they belong, where we can all have a go at em.
Try this one instead: "No matter what I have done or not done, I am worthy of happiness" (love, whatever...)

Simply-Mel said...

You are certainly not alone.

Shiny said...

Mud - I am okay, thank you. Just surprised myself a bit at acknowledging the terror. Think maybe, at this point, I'm wishing I didn't!

Tam - you are a very clever thing. So much truth.

Mel - thank you. It really helps to know that it's not just me who's a bit loony.

xx