Thursday, May 20, 2010

Glimpses of me

Do you sometimes feel like you haven’t actually, really, seen yourself for ages? I do. It’s like I just get caught up in everything around me. The rushing people, ringing telephones, snakes of cars hooting and tooting impatiently, watching the robots change. Green, orange, red. Wait, wait, wait, mind blank (it's just easier so.) Back to green again.

And then, suddenly, I have a rush of blood to the head and I stop as I see a flash of me in the mirror. I look at myself. From the outside. Often Sometimes I don’t like what I see. Then I pick through my fibres and sinews and raw nerves and try and weed out who the real me is. Not the bricked in, razor-wire-topped fence one, the one the world gets to see, but the other one, the scared inner one. The one few get glimpses of every now and again (and that includes me.) It reminds me why I started this blog, something that I have been wondering, and dwelling on. I suddenly feel exposed, and think of stopping here.

And then I look again, and realise it’s all me – with my scaredy-cat innards, bedecked with razor-wire. I cannot fight who I am, but I can fight for me. With my imaginary chain-mail and sword, my head filled with dragons (it’s so much easier to give problems beautiful, scaled skins and fire-breathing mouths), I can be brave, I think, I can push through this wanting to abandon this blog. Can’t I?

6 comments:

allie said...

Nervous as I am about dishing out "helpful hints" - I'm going to risk it this time.

This hint was given to me years ago (by my son!) and I have found it an amazing tool.

So - here's the thing:
Make a list with two headings: one reading - "Why I want to keep writing my blog"
And the other - "Why I don't want to keep writing my blog?"

It illuminates inner workings!


As for me - I hope you keep going.

Miranda said...

Ah Shiny
I just love love love your blog. There are 3 or 4 that I never fail to read and yours is one of them (even tho I'm crap at commenting sometimes). I hope you push through. But if not that's okay. You gave it a break once and came back. I hope you don't, but if you need to.....
xxxxxx

Spiny Marshmallow said...

Shiny - please I hope you dont stop. I really like reading your blog.

Crazii Redhead said...

oh shiny, don't stop. Not for all of us, but for You... Read back to your old posts and remember what they gave you, how they made you feel and think about life. Remember why you started and just start from that point again, shake off the worries and start at the beginning.

Angela said...

I wouldn`t have nown you but for your blog, and I am so happy I do, Shiny. You don`t even have to be shiny all the time, your armour can have dark spots and your hair a mess, we don`t mind. Ours isn`t any better.
You can come and live in my boarding school if you like! (See my latest post). Then you can also write letters from Usedom and talk about seeweeds and pink seashells and sea-eagles. If you don`t want to talk about yourself. I wish you would, though.

Shiny said...

You're all right. I am going to push through, because I do love it here, too. Just had one of those 'over-exposed' moments so will just step back a little and write other stuff for now x