Sunday, May 9, 2010

Big, fat, tears

All this wittering of glee and honesty. I should've known. Did I speak too soon? It's just that I am of the Pollyanna temperament and try oh-so-very-hard to truly believe that it'll all be okay and everyone will land up with the one they love and happiness will abound and good will always beat evil. And then, WHAM, it doesn't always. Sometimes big lurking monsters leap from behind a tree and knock you flat, smothering you in their dank, gray fur. The reality of it is too much to bear.

One conversation and my heart crumples. The air leaves the room. It is suddenly too hard, I know why, I feel it too. One part of me says run, get out, leave now. The other says stay, you can do this, you're stronger than this, but only together. And then the other part - a dull throb, the tears drop, fat and heavy, uncontrollable, throat-tightening. I can't breathe.

This sadness, this confusion, is like a hot iron, branding me at every turn. An impossible choice, or so it seems. It isn't though. We both know it but it's a more difficult decision than seems bearable. It will be a week of sole (and soul) contemplation, a time, 8 months down the line, to decide. A time to test this thing, it hangs in the balance, my heart is breaking. For her. For me. For us.

There is no question of the love, the question is just whether it's enough to weather this storm?


allie said...

Pain again - somehow worse after the joy. . .
Sad for you.

Gail said...

I got simple, beautiful advice one day, from the most unsuspecting source. If you like the person you are when you are with person X more than you like the person you are without person X, then person X is worth fighting for.

Simple to decide, harder to implement! Good luck!

Mud in the City said...

Sweetheart - sending love and hugs and hope.

Angela said...

I am following Rob Inukshuk`s blog, who is a man, married to FOH, that means fabulous other half, and he is a man, and he is witty and interesting, and a great blogger, and he enjoys his life and is only so happy because of FOH. So what is wrong?
I just wrote a "coach letter to my pupils" ( I do that, annoyingly, sometimes) about TRUTH. I tried to explain them why truth is always the best, even if we all have our own truth.
And I think the same way like you about the good always winning and wishes fulfilled and love conquering all.
I will now send you my donkey picture!

Crazii Redhead said...

Shiny, reading your post today prompted me to write one I have been putting off for a long time. I dedicate it to you, for being so strong... stop thinking so much, life is much simpilar than you think.

Shiny said...

Allie - I am SO hoping we can do this, and the joy will return

Gail - that's fabulous advice

Mud - thank you

Angela - what a lovely donkey pic to warm my heart

CR - wow